But First…

I created this space as a place to share happy moments, memories and thoughts about my mother and about life. It’s a place for me to move beyond grief and the pain that comes with having a parent that struggled with additions and ultimately died by suicide.

But before we begin this journey together, I think it’s important you know a few things about me. About my life.

I was well cared for as a child

I never went to bed hungry. I was tucked in to bed every night and I felt safe in my home. My hair was brushed every morning and I had someone ensuring I did my homework. I never had to worry about strangers or substances in my home. My memories of my early years are overwhelmingly positive. Even considering that my parents divorced when I was five.

I had a villiage

I grew up in a small town. My dad was present in my daily life until I was fifteen. After that, he moved for work and I maintained regular contact. I was surrounded by a large family and plenty of friends. I am a product of all of their love and support. No one person is responsible for the good or the bad I’ve faced in life.

Things got rougher in my teenage years and beyond

When I was younger, I remember my mother drinking often (with friends and always in a social setting) but I do not remember being worried. Those moments progressed later, about the time I turned fourteen. Though I was relatively sheltered from my mother’s addictions early on, their impact on my later years was very real and very scary at times.

I’m not trying to romanticize addictions

I am choosing to use this space to focus on the good moments of my life. That doesn’t mean the bad moments sucked any less. I have put in the work with multiple professionals and with myself to do what’s necessary to address and come to terms with the bad. I still put in the work because childhood trauma and intergenerational trauma is very real and very important to address. The bad exists. But this isn’t my space for that.

My reality is mine alone.

This space is based on my own memories (with some input from my brother for timelines). I recognize that not everyone who has had a parent with addictions has faced the same journey I have. There are children who did not get the love and support they deserved when they were young. There are also addicts who are violent toward partners and children. This space is not meant to take away from anyone’s right to feel all of the emotions necessary to heal. I am not speaking for all adult children of addicts. This is just my own personal experience.

I think that’s it, for now.

If you’re still reading, thanks! I hope you get something from this space.